International Lampoon

Amnesty International has finally released a report about the prisoner abuses at Guantanamo.

I don't know about you but I couldn't wait another day. My summer reading list wasn't full yet... and I needed a good comedy so I believe this report will fit perfectly.

Calling out the US on it's human rights abuses is something like sending a shoplifting pre-teen to the electric chair. Amnesty knows that they will get press coverage for an anti-American story so they run with it but we are so far down on the world's list of abusers... I started to list the countries that are "really" abusive but it is actually easier to list the countries that are less abusive than the US... there's Lichtenstein, Norway, Iceland and the Federated States of Micronesia (which is actually a US dependent.) Canada used to be on the list but Celine Dion's music and their treatment of the French speaking Quebecois have recently moved them to the "Abusive" list.

Surely the world has more sense than to buy this bandwagon riding publicity stunt don't they? No, of course not. What am I thinking? America is the Great Satan... we've been tried in the world court of public opinion and because we don't live in absolute squalor or renounce our own success we must be terrible, hateful, imperialistic tyrants.

Your Message Here

A secret source deep inside the bowels of the Blogger Corporate office tells me that Blogger execs are preparing to ask Mike Cope to stop soliciting comments.

Mike's blog yesterday brought up a profanity printed on a tshirt worn in public. I don't own any shirts that have profanity on them and I don't really want to... but I've got some ideas for tshirts that haven't yet seen. How about you? Any novel tshirt ideas?

Below are some thought starters...

INFIDEL
What Would Harry Truman Do?
I Heart My Rabid Presa Canario

Come on... get those creative juices flowing.

The La Brea Tarpit of 2005

Someday, thousands of years from now, when some advanced society digs up our era, they will find some amazing things. Their anthropologists will have a blast dissecting our lives and our largely constructed environments.

When they dig up community pools, filled with children, dressed (or undressed, as the case may be) in skimpy little pieces of cloth held together by strings... will they think this was some religious center? Will they be able to detect the smelly, greasy substances that we painted on our bodies? Will they understand the remains of the diving board or will they assume this was some sort of sacrificial pit where the young were sacrificed to the sun gods?

There is the long aluminum pole with a loop on the end, that might have been used to push the human sacrifices off the end of the Holy Plank. There are reclining chairs lining the sides of the Sacrificial Pit where the devout could observe the sacrifices. There are elevated chairs where, apparently, the high priests presided over the whole affair. There are elaborate dressing rooms, containing toilets and showers, presumably so the humans who would be sacrificed could be cleansed before they were marched to their deaths. Some of these sacrificial pits will be found to hold a thousand or more young children. While future societies will be repulsed by the idea that food was served at these sacrificial gatherings, apparently a large portion of the buildings near these sacrificial pits were devoted to the preparation and distribution of food items.

Here's to the world's future anthropologists... may they not fall off of a sacrificial plank.

Run it up the flagpole

I don't particularly care if the Sith are avenged. Apparently, this lack of interest on my part puts me in an extremely small slice of America and only a slightly larger slice of the entire planet. I haven't seen the last two (three, four, who really knows?) Star Wars episodes... as a matter of fact I didn't see the first one until it was 10 or 12 years old. I don't know why but Star Wars and Star Trek just never really did anything for me. I don't think you're a nut if you are excited about it coming out... just take comfort in knowing that I will not be the guy who buys the ticket you wanted.

Now, to the folks who took off work and who camped out and who changed their names to Maul and who dressed up in costumes... you people are freaks. I understand that there is a human psychological need to belong to something larger than yourself... may I recommend "reality?"

How proud would my mom be if I called her and told her I was changing my middle name to Annakin or Darth? When you fill out your Absence Report for work, what do you write in for the reason you're missing a week of work so you can sleep on a sidewalk with a bunch of people you don't know to see a movie you already know the ending to? I think it takes a special kind of person to be the high school mascot... what sort of mental state (defect?) does it require for a grown man or woman to buy and publicly wear a sci fi movie costume? If you look to Darth Maul for spiritual guidance... what other literature have you considered?

Don't misunderstand me... I don't care at all that this is happening. As a matter of fact I like it. I love our country and the freedoms that we enjoy. It makes me happy to see the lines of Star Wars groupies outside the theaters because I know that their freedom to dress up as a wookie is the same as my freedom to skip it. I love living in a place where we are guaranteed the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, no matter how bizarre. Let your freak flag fly, baby.

The clog in my toilet is apparently a Newsweek magazine

Much has been said about Newsweek's unsubstantiated report of the intolerable abuse of prisoners at Guantanamo. This has primarily been that the Koran (or Quran) has been touched by infidels and put in a toilet. There have also been claims that some Muslim prisoners have been tortured by being deprived of long pants during prayer time. They have also claimed that some Muslim prisoners were wrapped in an Israeli flag. These charges have led to rioting and death in some Muslim countries.

WHAT? WHAT? ARE YOU JOKING? THIS IS THE OUTRAGE?

I wish I could remember (Warning: Sarcasm ahead) what Muslims do to non-Muslims when they are held prisoner. I wonder how our soldiers are coddled (oops, I meant tortured) when they are in custody in a Muslim country. I certainly hope that none of our soldiers are wrapped in an Al Queada flag. (Oh, the humanity.) I certainly hope that they weren't deprived of religous symbols. I hope that our Jewish soldiers weren't forced to flavor their food with non-kosher salt? What if their captors flushed a Bible down the toilet? How could our soldiers stand it?

Regardless of what you believe about the prisoner abuse at Abu Ghraib you must recognize that what was happening to prisoners in that prison is nothing like what happens to American (or any non-Muslim) prisoners. I'm just guessing here... but I bet I'd rather watch a Bible being torn up and flushed down a toilet than having my shoulders broken. I bet I'd rather have my crucifix necklace taken away and defiled than have my head cut off with a hunting knife. I bet I'd rather be wrapped in a North Korean flag than beaten until I lost consciousness.

Let me draw another comparison for you, gentle reader. When our soldiers took Baghdad we, the American people, did not print and distribute trading cards with the names and pictures of the soldiers who took the palaces and who took the airport. We don't have rallies in the streets where we chant about how many Iraqis our soldiers have killed.

Our enemies do this. Our enemies celebrate those who lost their lives in the attack on the World Trade Center. Our enemies behead non-combatants who are non-Muslim. Our enemies revel in dragging the bodies of our soldiers around the streets. Our enemies have so little tolerance for anyone not like them that they will not be satisfied until we (anyone who is not Muslim) are dead.

...and now, an eyewitness account...

It's not something we hear very often in our church services or our classes but I think we would benefit from hearing it. Most of us are not quick to share this with the person beside us on the plane or the waiter or the guy in the office next to ours but they might benefit from it too. It's the story of our lives. It's the telling of how God is active in our daily lives. It's the way that the Holy Spirit has comforted and clarified. It's the way that God has been faithful to His weak, sinful, unreliable creation.

Watch the news. Good reporters find an eyewitness to interview so that we can hear a personal, human account of the news event. They may explain to us why a train wrecked and that's important. What touches us is the story of the person who lived through the train wreck. The smells, the sounds, the sights, the fear, the pain, the relief at being rescued... all that adds up to much, much more than the physics of a train falling off the tracks.

When a person is willing to stand up and say, "This is what God has done for me..." it's very compelling. It's far more powerful a presentation than reading the stories of God's work in the lives of people who lived hundreds or thousands of years ago.

I believe that this kind of presentation does a lot for us, even those of us who already believe in God.

This kind of openness shows us that those people who sit through church services with us are real people with feelings and emotions and failures and divine redemptions. Remember David, who slept with his neighbor's wife and had the man killed? He was called a man after God's own heart. This kind of testimony reminds us that we are all sinners and that God loves us all the same. No more pretending that we are as pretty and clean as we look all dressed up in our Sunday best.

This kind of testimony also reminds us that Jesus isn't some antiquated voodoo that only worked back in the day before cell phones, laptops and wireless broadband. God is working in our lives today. Not just watching to see how we do and so He can make a call on whether we get into heaven or not... but actually moving the hearts and minds of those around us.

Let's stop acting as if were clean all along. Let's stop acting as if we "partnered" with God to make the world a better place. Let's be honest with ourselves... our best behavior is like filthy rags on God's scale of cleanliness and we spend plenty of time being less than our very best. Let's start telling the world how God saved us, not just ancient, historical figures, but us from the clutches of sin. Let's talk about how in our broken lives, God's power is made clear. Let's talk about how God lifts us up when we humble ourselves. Let's talk about how God healed and restored us. Let's talk about the pain, the fear, the smells, the sights, the sounds... Let's talk about a Holy Trinity that is very much alive and active in our world.

The Bad, the Bad and the Ugly

Hopefully your life is full enough that you are not "following" the Michael Jackson trial. If you have, however, seen the highlights on the news every night you know that Jackson is a full-blown, certifiable, cut-the-strings-of-reality WACKO. It's really sad to see him in this state because if you're my age you can remember him when he was young, good looking and nobody suspected his destination was today's insanity.

The problem at Neverland (I can't bring myself to call it Ranch... maybe petting zoo, but that has too many negative implications) is that Jackson was so wealthy, so powerful that no one dared to challenge him. Everyone around Jackson was on his payroll. They were making their livings, most of them quite lucrative, off of his generosity. Jackson had an infestation of leeches and lampreys that attached themselves to him and would not risk their parasitic pleasures by questioning Jackson's activities. A long time ago... maybe when the world was still seeing a young artist at the very beginning of a life of greatness... someone should have checked Jackson. Someone should have held him by the lapels and looked into his face and told him, "That's not acceptable. Get control of yourself." Now, years later, the artist formerly known as The King of Pop is a barely recognizable human freakshow. It is a tragedy.

There are other examples of this type of power and ego run amok. Kim Jong Il is the "beloved" leader of North Korea. The stories of his life,(I particularly like the story of his first golf outing wherein he shot 6 holes in one) as they are already being recorded by state historians are ludicrous and laughable, except that they tell a story just like Jackson's. No one sits with the North Korean leader who can tap him on the shoulder and tell him, "Come back to reality." Now, with nuclear capabilities and a willingness to preemptively strike perceived enemies he endangers the entire world.

Saddam Hussein was in this camp also. As Hussein thumbed his nose at the US and the UN in the last five years most of us couldn't imagine his motivation. I wondered, and I probably wasn't the only one, if he was insane. Apparently, no one in his cabinet was willing to tell him the truth about his military capabilities. The generals who answered to him were all continuing to give him glowing reports about their respective responsibilities. No one said, "You can't really defeat the US. You can't even put up a good fight."

Most of us don't run the risk of becoming so powerful or so wealthy that the people around us are unable to confront us when we stray. Consider that a blessing. Consider friends who know you well enough to be brutally honest with you a great gift. Be willing to hear the truth from your friends. Encourage them to correct you. Ask for accountability.

In praise of selected cable channels

I love TV. You may not know it but I didn't have a TV in my house until I was in the 10th grade. I didn't grow up with all those shows that my friends grew up watching. I don't know all the TV related trivia that my wife knows. I really feel cheated (sarcasm) out of all that childhood TV experience that seems to unite my generation.

Oh well, now I've got a TV and I pay for digital cable every month and so I get to watch the Discovery channels. Yes, I said multiple Discovery channels. My new favorite is the Discovery Military channel. There is also a Discovery Science and a Discovery Times (New York Times) channel. There are others but I've not spent any time on them yet...

Last night I watched a show about Osama Bin Laden. I learned quite a bit about the world's most wanted terrorist. Then I saw a show called The Fight for Baghdad which had incredible footage and amazing interviews from the ground in Iraq with the soldiers who were the first ones into the city. Then I started watching a show called After Saddam but I was too tired to make it through... it was after 1am.

When I say I love TV I mean I love interesting, intelligent, educational TV. Reality TV (incredible oxymoron) is the new opiate of the masses and sitcoms are stale and unbearable. I am starting to develop an undeserved sense of pride in the fact that I've not watched a single episode of Survivor, American Idol, Desperate Housewives... and now that I've found this suite of Discovery channels you can bet there'll never be a place in my life for The Apprentice or The Bachelorette.

Happy Mother's Day

Saw a show about the Army Rangers the other day. It was showing a Ranger competition called The Best of the Best. Two Rangers form a team that competes against other Ranger teams. They run obstacle course, swim, run, climb, shoot and conduct urban warfare exercises.

In one of the obstacle courses we saw a Ranger fall off of a "wall" of telephone poles that he was climbing over. He fell nearly thirty feet and landed pretty much, flat on his face. He broke his nose. Blood ran down his face... he just stood there a minute, spitting blood out of his mouth, catching his breath... he denied medical attention and went on to finish the obstacle course. Oliver North was the narrator and as we watched this Ranger spitting out his blood North says,"Most people don't get up after a thirty foot fall but this man is a Ranger. Ranger's aren't like other people." At that the Divine Mrs. L says, "That's Ethan. He's not like other people." She went on to say she hopes Ethan never becomes a Ranger. She says this because she's his mother and mothers can feel pain that their children haven't yet experienced. She felt Ethan's pain when that guy fell off the obstacle.

Here's my prayer for each of my young sons. God, let this man find his place. Let him go where his skills and his unique, God given abilities will serve him and his God best of all.

Here's my prayer for my wife. God, give her strength as her little boys become the men that you've planned for them to be. Give her comfort as she hurts for them. God, please spare her the experience of having to see her sons in pain. Give her (and me) the strength to let them go where you want them.

God's Finest Work

My nine year old son is a treasure. He's smart and funny. He's really got a great sense of style... didn't get that from me, clearly. He's articulate. He's generous. He's as intransigent as a pit bull when he wants something. He's clever and creative. He's got a very high emotional intelligence. He's an amazing, natural fund raiser. He's a gifted actor (got that from me) and singer (got that from his mother) who loves to show off his talents. He's a gift from God.

He is most comfortable talking to and interacting with adults because kids his own age don't get his humor and usually don't care about much of anything but video games and tv shows. He is far more interested in producing books, videos, stage shows and works of art. He has pushed against his physical age his whole life. He has always been more wise and more intelligent than his physical age would allow. Some adults think he is not all there because they don't expect a nine year old to think or say the things he says. They underestimate him because he's trapped in a child's body. He is sometimes lonely because of this... and it breaks my heart.

B-man, be strong. Someday the world will know what your mother and I know right now. You are great! You are talented! You are truly God's finest work! We love you now and we always will.